As I see it, there are two stories to my “life”-2 life stories.
- Represents my life from birth to 9-11-09. How the events/experiences/traumas of this earlier life created my self-identity, my beliefs and patterns that became the context of my experiences growing up. Living from my ego self…living in duality.
- The deep trauma of my son’s loss broke my sense of self (ego), my sense of self got shattered, and in this shattering something new began to emerge: my Essential/Core self came into being…rebirth! My journey has been that of integration of this larger self….to become it, be it and thus amending the separation.
On Sept. 11-09, my beloved son (only son) Nathaniel passed away.
His death was such a profoundly devastating occurrence/experience, that it felt as a death for me as well…not a literal death, but an emotional, psychological, and in some ways, a spiritual death. What I experienced is the ultimate test any human being can experience in this life. I walked through the darkest night my soul has had to face. I used all of my strength and wisdom to try and stay in my being as the tidal waves of pain, shock and other intense emotions moved through my mind, body and soul.
My baby, the most precious and dearest gift to me was gone. I walked through a dark and scary place, never walked before. Every so often some glimmer of Light, Love and Peace come through, and this was when I knew God of Love was walking along with me.
The shock of it (I found him as he drew his last breaths…) was like an explosion that erupted inside of me. It broke everything in me/as me into million of pieces. My sense of identity, who I thought I was and every thing I thought I knew, I believed in and felt about myself, others and life was temporarily shattered.
His death made me travel through my entire life, from the beginning-birth to the present time. I had to face all my traumas, where I was wronged and where I went wrong. Where I stopped being my magnificent/true self-abandoning myself, and became my lesser self-believed to be less than I truly am-disconnecting with my truth, the core of my being.
The most arduous task was facing where I went wrong as a mother…I saw things so very clearly…I felt raw, open…”unprotected” by my ego self….ego self was powerless in the face of this “infelicitous act of nature”. It was very hard to have to come face to face to all the things I had so carefully learned to avoid to look at. However, I had no choice, there was nowhere to turn, nowhere to hide, there was no one to save me. So what I did, which was a natural/instinctual act, was to surrender to GOD/Source/Love (this became my refuge, inner sanctuary, my safe place…my heart, where I could be comforted, soothed, healed)! I enlisted God’s help to show me how to forgive…forgiving myself and others! (My father-ended karma, my former-husband…) My refuge was my Essential Self. When everything was annihilated, what remained was what can never be annihilated, not even by death, was my pure, innocent self that is immortal!
My journey has been to discover, awaken, integrate/embody and live from my Essential self…that is like a baby, a “divine baby” that is being born as part of the new. When everything seemed lost…literally…there was “something” that remained…the evolutionary vision…to shift from ego to essence.
My son’s death was my awakening from false sense of self to true self of LOVE!
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