Searching for Love

Love has been a struggle for me for as long as I can remember. When I was little, I always felt like I had to earn the attention and tenderness that I craved and I often acted up to get it. For a really long time I lived my life with that sense of lack and urgency, always striving, even conniving at times to be loved. I struggled for years to mold myself into what I thought was the perfect vessel.  But the harder I tried the worse I fell.

To be fair, I am not the only one to feel this way. After all, our society conditions us right from the start to look for pleasure, validation, love, joy, and fulfillment outside ourselves. The media constantly bombards us with commercials and messages that make it quite clear that we need successful careers, big houses, nice cars, the perfect bodies and countless other stuff to achieve happiness and be worthy of love. But if accumulation of worldly possessions is really the solution to all our woes, where is this deep sense of unrest, that so many of us feel, coming from? Why is the percentage of teen suicide and depression constantly rising? What’s missing?

The answer came to me a few years back in the midst of a nervous breakdown. I had been sobbing uncontrollably yet again, feeling very sorry for how lonely I felt , when I decided to meditate on a little fairy figurine that my son had bought me for Christmas. I lit a candle, lightly focused my eyes and asked for a sign…any sign. I was quite miserable at that point and I was willing to try anything for some sort of relief (plus I like fairies).

All of the sudden, I felt a deep sense of love enveloping me, as I watched in amazement the little fairy come to life, wings fluttering, lightly dancing around its lotus flower base like a tiny ballerina. The rational part of my brain kept insisting that this was an optical illusion created by the combination of dim light and tears filled eyes. But the profound sense of peace and love I felt in that moment was more real than anything I had ever felt before. All I could do was repeat thank you, thank you, over and over again.

I slept like a baby that night and I understood two things when I woke up the next morning. Help was available if I sincerely asked for it and if I was willing to be open to whichever form it took. As for love, it wasn’t a feeling or something I had to look for in other people. It was the very fabric of the Universe, the source of endless energy that connects everything. Love was available to me every moment of every day. I just needed to learn to quiet my mind and open my senses to feel it’s presence and be nourished by it.

Needless to say, this experience changed my life. That day, I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to deepen my connection with, what I came to understand as divine energy, and become the person I was born to be. Over the following 4 years, I learned to trust synchronicity, pay attention to gut feelings and stick to what I value most in my life. The road has not always been easy but for the first time in my life I feel loved and supported from within, and that feeling alone is worth keeping on the path.

Much love: Sandrine

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